How to Bore Friends and Influence No One

Some Things You Might Not Have Known About Me

2010-01-19T23:34:00.000-08:00

I can spin a frying pan but not a basketball
I love phsics but I hate chemistry
I'm a morning person trapped in a late person's body
I eat rootbeer floats with the rootbeer on the side
I can snap better with my left hand even though I am right handed
I love albums and hate singles
Sometimes I whistle made-up songs
When I walk down the street I clack my teeth to the rhythm of my steps
I like to sweep but I hate to mop
I love new socks
I need to be around people, but I am soon exhausted by them
When I get sad my eyes hurt but I don't usually cry
I love the smell of water evaporating off of a hot sidewalk
I hate traveling, but I love being in different places
I dislike television, but I can't tear myself away from it if it's on
I am drawn, like moth to flame, to Keanu Reeves and Nicolas cage movies

Parents Please Don't Sit on Your Children

2009-10-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

Today I rediscovered a book that I picked up at a garage sale with the title, "Parents Please Don't Sit on Your Children." Despite the goofy title and a lot of pictures from the 70's, it is a pretty down to earth guide for non-punitive discipline of children and it makes a great case for alternative discipline methods. The kids have been crazy lately and we have been thinking about resorting to spanking. It was good to pick up the book to remind myself why I believe in other forms of discipline. It seems that when child behavior comes up there are always people that pipe up about how they spanks their kids and that it works and that their children are well behaved and that they can't believe that some parent let their kids "run amok" etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. Why these people are so bent on convincing me to hit my kids I can't say. My guess is that they want to believe that their methods are really the best even though deep down they don't really feel good about it. Also, people generally want to think well of their parents and if they don't want to fault their parents for using physical punishment with them.

The problem is that non-punitve discipline takes real skill and patience--something I generally lack. So while I have been reluctant to use physical punishment I do not necessarily have the skills to discipline my kids without it. But just reminding myself that I think there is a better way helped me tonight to be more patient with my kids and provide them with choices, diffuse situations, etc. I know it's possible to provide discipline, help kids to grow up to be useful members of society, AND maintain a loving relationship with my kids without fear of physical punishment being part of the picture.

It is easy to think of discipline simply as a means to control your kids and get them to do what you want. I believe this thinking is short-sighted, selfish, and can cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your kids. Discipline should really be about them and how to help them develop and grow in safe and healthy ways THAT ARE APPROPRIATE FOR THEIR AGE LEVEL. More and more people want kids to behave like adults mostly for their own convenience and not because it's good for the kids.

So unless you've taken a plethora of parenting classes or have a degree in child development, and have personally put the test every alternative parenting method out there, please don't preach to me about how to control my kids based solely on WHAT YOUR PARENTS DID TO YOU 101. The truth is that even though you think of yourself making a big sacrifice to instruct your kids on proper social behavior, you've taken the easy way out. And unless you can prove that your kids are happier, healthier, feel more loved, safe, and appreciated, and have a better self image BECAUSE you physically punish them, I will thank you very much to keep your opinions on how to keep my child from throwing french fries at you at the local Applebee's to yourself.

Phew! That's my first serious rant in a while. Now that that's out of my system I think I'll go back to complaining about unnecessary street signs ("OBEY ALL TRAFFIC SIGNALS") or halogen light bulbs (they can make any room feel like a convenient store bathroom.)

The Poopy Diaper Song!...Tell your Friends!

2009-06-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

I was inspired by my brother Dan's recent post about his meese and penguini song so I thought I would share this one I came up with so that it will get stuck in all of your heads for eternity. It is sung to the tune of The Eentsey Weentsey Spider (or The Itsy Bitsy Spider depending on what part of the country you're from.)

Oooooooooooooooh...
The poopy poopy diaper went up the diaper spout
Down came the poop and washed the poopie out
Up came the wipes and wiped the poop away
And the poopy poopy diaper went in the trash again.
Yay! (clapping)

This little bit of inspiration came as I was trying to get Taylor to calm down when changing his diaper. Now he won't let me change his diaper without singing it. I know I should try and come up with original tunes, but, truth be told, I'm more of a lyricist than a composer.

New Material

2009-05-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

As interest in topics relating to the McRib seems to have waned, I will now turn my attention on new and exciting subjects such as the following:

NBA Playoffs only on cable TV. Grrrrrr!
I actually like Mandy Moore's new album????? (She's grown up a lot ya' know)
When recently asked which natural disaster I'm most afraid of, I surprised myself with the quick and vehement answer: "Tsunamis!" I knew there was a reason I've been avoiding that trip to Indonesia. Did you ever see the movie Deep Impact? (shudder)...(second shudder)
The other day Caleb taught Taylor to say "Fart Head." They grow up so fast.
My Facebook momentum has died. If "number of friends" became "number of friends you actually stay in contact with AFTER see who they married and what their kids look like", the number would probably be around 10. Are YOU one of the 10? If you comment, that means YES!

Man, I Grossed Myself Out

2009-05-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

I apologize if I traumatized anybody with this picture of the inside of a McRib. I gave myself the willies and couldn't keep it in "Picture of the Day" for more than a day. If I didn't already know what it was my official guess would be pancreatic cancer cells under a microscope. For posterity, I'll include it in this post. This should provide motivation to keep blogging so I can get it off the screen. Needless to say, no additional motivation is required to avoid the McRib.

Honk if You Love Atonal Music

2009-05-18T21:53:00.000-07:00

I met someone on Sunday who is getting his PhD in music composition and is writing his dissertation on atonal music. He claims that the only reason people dislike atonal music is because they've been trained for centuries to like tonal music. That's kind of like saying that the only reason people like salt is because they've been putting it on their food for a long time. I tend to think that the real reason there is not much interest in atonal music is that, like T.S. Elliot's poetry, you have to study it for hours to get anything out of it. I must admit that I am not the most experienced when it comes to modern atonal or "meta-tonal"(?) composition. I'd love to give it another try if anyone has any suggestions for composers.

ps If anyone with ginormous monitors is still experiencing Mohammed Ali scalp at the bottom of their screen, please let me know.

My Goal is to Get Mohammed Ali's Face Off the Page

2009-05-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah! Mission accomplished!

I'm Going to Start Posting All the Time Now!

2009-05-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

SEEE?!

Time for Mohammed Ali to Go Bye-Bye

2009-05-10T21:16:00.001-07:00

Man that guy has taken the spotlight for WAY too long!

The Epic Battle Continues

2009-01-25T18:50:00.001-08:00

Check out this link to see how you can join forces with Mohammed Ali in the ongoing fight against tooth decay.

The Flossing Barometer

2009-01-22T06:45:00.001-08:00

I've noticed that there are little indicators in my life that act as barometers for the way things are going as a whole. I generally don't think about flossing unless things are looking up. If I feel the desire to floss then I can expect that a high pressure system (sans inversion) is on it's way in, meaning a positive force and a general sense of optimism. Then when I do floss I feel hope for my gums and for the rest of my life. I feel good about the fact that in this one thing have brought my principles and my actions into agreement. When I am true to my gums I am true to myself.

Sometimes, however, when I look at the floss I feel a sense of sense hoplessness, like it's another of life's hoops that must be jumped through endlessly. Can one ever finish flossing? The answer is no. At that point flossing could easily be added to the endless tortures that the damned must endure in Dante's Inferno. Flossing, the dishes, work, diapers. Will it ever end?!

Luckily, I'm in a flossing mood.

Worry Meal

2009-01-19T21:04:00.001-08:00

The other day we went through the McDonald's drive-thru and got some happy meals for the kids and Caleb said, "Dad, I'm so happy you got me a happy meal." To which I replied, "Yeah, It's a good thing we didn't get you the sad meal." Later Caleb said to me, "Dad, I'm so glad you didn't get me a worry meal." I wondered what would be in a worry meal if there was one. I thought that the worry meal might contain the following:

additives and preservatives
too many calories
too much salt
non-organics
bio-engineered foods
unidentifiable meats

It was then that I realized that the "happy" meal is, in fact, a worry meal. The only thing that is missing is to take away the toy and add a sheet of paper with depressing statistics like the likelihood of social security still being around in 30 years, the current death toll in Iraq, and the percentage of obese children in America. Instead of fun games and pictures on the side of the bag they could show graphs of the Dow Jones Industrial average over the past year or maybe the unemployment rate. Perhaps the worry meal could come with an extra side of guilt or self-pity (i.e a chocolate sunday.)

ps What IS a McRib?

The Unprofessional Blog Fiddler

2009-01-12T19:40:00.000-08:00

I have decided to officially come out of seclusion and once again join the blogosphere. I must say that I missed me, did you? I will not give any excuses for my hiatus other than to say that forthcoming baby #3 (Gunner or Chastity), now in his/her17th week of gestation, has made life interesting.

I must also give a "shout out" to David Shelley who coaxed me out of blogger's block with his apropos fiddling comment (see last post.)

I find it sad that after a three-month absence I (still) have nothing substantive to say. Let's see, how about...Go Barack! Fix that BCS! Mark Shurtleff's got your back!

The Professional Fiddler

2008-10-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

Today I fixed the dishwasher by taking the bottom cover off, fiddled with a few things, and Voila! It started working again! It reminds me of the time I fixed my portable CD player by dropping it from a height of four feet. Instincts, I tell you! Instincts!

Some days I Just Can't Take It

2008-10-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

Today it seemed like someone planted the water cooler in front of my cubicle. There was a constant stream of trivial conversations. Then there were people that would come into my area and just stand there staring at me for a few moments after which they would say, "Watcha doin'?" I'M TRYING TO GET ONE SINGLE DANG THING DONE!! WORK! I WORK HERE! DON'T YOU?! ISN'T THERE SOMEBODY ELSE YOU CAN GO STARE AT? SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE ATTENTION PROBLEMS? I'M SURE THERE'S A NICE CONVERSATION SOMEWHERE ABOUT HOW THE DOW JONES IS DOWN ANOTHER 350 PTS BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY HAD TO ENDURE 2-3 VERSIONS OF THAT SAME CONVERSATION TODAY IN MY OWN CUBICLE...AND I WASN'T EVEN TALKING TO THEM!!!! I left work at 3:20 pm.

Thingie (y?)

2008-09-23T20:52:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to think of what you call things that you can't remember what to call 'ems....Here's some:

Thinger
Thingie(y)
Thingamabobber
Whatchamacallit
Watzit
Thingamajig
Thingamajigger
Doohickey
Doodah
Deal-io
Flippin' piece of trash

for people:

whatshername
whatsherface
whatsherbucket
whatshersmell
whatshertrash
(are you seeing a pattern?)

Please feel free to add your own.

I Hate Chemistry

2008-09-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

So lately I've been studying (slightly) for the PE test to get my Professional Engineer's license. The test has a breadth section which includes topics outside of my specialty (structural engineering) like traffic engineering, soils engineering, hydraulics, and my worst enemy, environmental engineering (shiver). No, I don't hate the earth. Yes, I do hate chemistry. I'm not quite sure why I have an abiding hatred for this subject. I understand the importance of, say, atoms. I got A's in my chemistry classes. Nevertheless, my first response when confronted with a chemistry problem is to hiss and spit. Here's a short list of things I despise for visceral rather than logical reasons:

King of Queens
John McCain's voice
Hair (not attached)
Camel Spiders
Peach Fuzz
Pundits

The Olympics rule!!

2008-08-24T23:28:00.000-07:00

I just spent 2 hours watching obscure olympic sports footage. Awesome. Tonight I was watching track and field events: pole vault, hammer throw, triple jump. I'm totally addicted. The other night Julie and I watched weightlifting for 2 hours. I miss the Olympics already. (sigh) I will also miss watching 10,000 chinese people do crazy 100'-tall undulating human sculptures (double sigh).

I Fix Cars!!

2008-08-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I successfully adjusted the belts on my '93 Honda Accord. It only took me 6 hours and 2 trips to Autozone.

Slumpin' 2

2008-07-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the comments everyone. I will attempt a brief report of the suggestions given. I realize that the descriptions tend to oversimplify the advice; my apologies.

Stare at the ceiling in bed, sleep, more staring, etc. This was the first suggestion that I tried out since I wanted to take a nap anyway. The effectiveness of this technique entirely depends on whether there is a child screaming in the next room. For that matter, most suggestions will depend on the presence of said screaming child. That being said, I think this probably did the the most for me. I usually need time alone to let my brain unravel. Silence helps.
Take a drive with a book on tape. I do enjoy a good book on tape now and again especially from June to October when there's no basketball on sports radio. If your goal is to get out of your slump then you must be careful to choose a subject that does not require an emotional investment. Listening to the Twilight series will probably only serve to get you involved in a heated Jacob vs Edward debate and not get your life in order. I would also advise against late-night listening since I ran a red light and had a head-on collision while listening to Rumpole of the Bailey late at night.
Visit The Onion online (theonion.com) this is good advice if you have a thick skin and need a little distraction. My favorite article of all time had a title that went something like this, "Stephen Hawking Saves the World with New Exoskeleton." Watch out for f-bombs.
Shoot the Tube. Apparently, this slightly hazardous and illegal activity is all the rage among high-schoolers these days. From what I understand, it consists of sliding down a slick concrete culvert for several hundred feet in pitch blackness. I wonder if there's another way to get a wedgie and a misdemeanor without risking broken bones.
Play video games. Violent video games. This suggestion is interesting because the results will vary depending on the person. I know people who like to blow virtual brains out because they find it relaxing. Others go for the adrenaline rush. The effect on me would most likely be decent into madness and recurring nightmares. I just don't like killing people that much. Oh, and people who enjoy killing ewoks and wookies in their spare time are just sick.
Supplements. You know, I've always secretly wanted to get that pack of mystery vitamins that you see at the convenient store that have all manner of textures, colors, and translucency. Not only do they promise increased energy, but they also claim to raise your IQ and increase sexual performance. I think the problem is that they look too much like candy, the kind of candy you'd get from a shady character in the red-light district.
Do something irrational, nonsensical or irresponsible. I actually thought that most of the ideas would be in this category, because I think that's how I'd answer the question if it were put to me. So maybe you could dump a bowl of salad on your head or drive to Vegas on a whim or start singing Niel Diamond's "America" at the top of your lungs, etc. You could even combine them so that you wear salad on your head as you drive to Vegas whilst singing Niel Diamond. This is, in fact, a wonderful idea and anybody near Vegas, a salad, or Niel Diamond, should consider adding one or both of the other elements. Feel free to improvise. For example, if you happen to be in Vegas at a Niel Diamond show, order a salad, and if the opportunity presents itself you could even dump the salad ON Niel Diamond! You see? This paragraph is completely nonsensical and I feel better already.

Thanks to all who responded to the original post. I apologize that I didn't address every idea. But don't worry, someday I'll publish a book full of everybody else's material and in the acknowledgments I'll list "the internet" and then you'll just know that means you.

Slumpin'

2008-07-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

On this fine pioneer day, I find myself in a slump (listless, uncreative, unmotivated, etc.) I'm curious what you all do when in a similar state of mind (assuming that this happens to other people.) So I'm soliciting ideas on how to break the cycle. I promise to try the ideas and then give a report on which methods were most effective. The wackier the better. Since there seems to be no shortage of slumping, I'm sure I'll get to all of the ideas (except the dumb ones, of course)

Thanks,
temporarilydumbdumbinthehead

Don't believe me?

2008-06-26T20:09:00.000-07:00

Here's the abstract from the article titled, "The Effect of Physical Height on Workplace Success and Income: Preliminary Test of a Theoretical Model" found in the Journal of Applied Psychology. 2004 Jun Vol 89(3) 428-441.

"In this article, the authors propose a theoretical model of the relationship between physical height and career success. We then test several linkages in the model based on a meta-analysis of the literature, with results indicating that physical height is significantly related to measures of social esteem (p = .41), leader emergence (p = .24), and performance (p = .18). Height was somewhat more strongly related to success for men (p = .29) than for women (p = .21), although this difference was not significant. Finally, given that almost no research has examined the relationship between individuals' physical height and their incomes, we present four large-sample studies (total N = 8,590) showing that height is positively related to income (ß = .26) after controlling for sex, age, and weight. Overall, this article presents the most comprehensive analysis of the relationship of height to workplace success to date, and the results suggest that tall individuals have advantages in several important aspects of their careers and organizational lives. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2007 APA, all rights reserved)"

Here's a quote from the article:

"In addition to the standardized regression () coefficients reported in Table 4, the results revealed that the unstandardized regression (B) coefficients have appreciable effect sizes. The unstandardized coefficient estimates reveal that each inch increase in height results in a predicted increase in annual earnings of $897 in Study 1, $728 in Study 2, and $743 in Study 4 (it was not possible to obtain effect size estimates for Study 3 given that salary was
coded into categories). By averaging across these results, we find that an individual who is 72 in. tall could be expected to earn $5,525 more per year than someone who is 65 in. tall, even after
controlling for gender, weight, and age."

The rest of the paper was just a bunch of statistics 'n junk....BUT I BELIEVE 'EM!

To be short

2008-06-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

Did you know that short people make less money than tall people? This provides a perfect excuse for my lack of earning power: "size-ism". Tall-ey and the gub'ment are keepin' me down!

They're BAack..

2008-05-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

The villains are back! They were temporarily thwarted by technical difficulties. This time the culprit is a fellow by the name of "Lethargo." He tends to attack immediately after my alarm clock goes off or following a large meal. A successful assault results in drooping eyelids, listless limbs, and an allergic reaction to doing the dishes. Once within his grasp, escape is nigh impossible. This is because he literally melts himself all over you so that you seem to weigh twice as much as usual and feel all...oozy. His powers are heightened by really comfy couches, watching cats fall asleep, and the existence of a "to do" list.

Allies: Turkey, Phillip Glass, High Council Speakers

Counterattack: Hot salsa, P-funk, fire (accidental)

Not About My Kids

2008-05-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

This blog is not about my children. Picture me in a chair gripping the armrests trying not blog about every cute, ridiculous or abominable thing they do. Here's the throuble: they are so much more interesting than me. Even as I type I am restraining myself and it's taking all my mental energy. How can I possibly come up with something as compelling as Caleb's sudden pronouncement in the car today: "I'm really into picking my nose!" And when I remind him that it is probably not something he should be "into", he adds under his breath, "Well, I am." How can I compete with that? There, I've done it. I gave into the urge to blog about my kids. At least I've stopped twitching.

The Scrappy Player

2008-05-14T19:19:00.000-07:00

I play basketball...barely. I'm that guy, you know, the one that tries really hard, but should probably just give up and go play Dungeons and Dragons. Here are some actual quotes from last night's bruising encounter (I'm not making this up):

"Did somebody's head just hit my foot?"
"You're getting some really good looks"
"Why does your head keep hitting everybody's elbows?"

I do feel that I'm improving, but only on the cardiovascular level. This means I've stopped weezing. I've seriously considered going to the library and checking out a book on basketball. In this way I hope to overcome years of inactivity and poor motor skills and achieve basketball zen. By "zen" I mean not getting picked last. Actually we choose teams by shooting free throws--same diff. This method creates the most balanced teams possible with the short losers on one side and the basketball gods on the other. Inevitably, after trouncing the mediocre, free-throw deficient team, someone from team Gargantua will say, "These teams are pretty fair, let's keep it here." To which I reply, "(groan)" What's a scrappy player to do besides step into the lane in front of Mr. 285 lb ex-high school player and take a charge for the team and a knee to the head? Oh I forgot, offensive fouls don't exist in pick-up ball.

New post

2008-05-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

Let the guilt begin. I'm officially blogging for blogging's sake. Not having a new post is starting to stress me out. Also, getting comments is addictive. It's like crack for middle-aged, middle-weight, nearing-mid-life-crisis middletons who are starving for recognition and relevance. (scoff) Glad I'm not one of those guys! (Please leave comment)

Unlimited Potential

2008-05-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

Today as we were driving Caleb said, "When I grow up I'm going to step on that tree!...As a transformer car!...And big and green as a green hulk!...Did you know that?"

The Manly Man

2008-05-05T23:50:00.000-07:00

Today, I nailed stuff. Even more impressive was the fact that some of the stuff wasn't my thumb. Less impressive was the fact that the other stuff was my thumb. I hit my thumb so hard it started bleeding. This is manly, and I am a manly man who handles the crushing of his own thumb stoically and with dignity. While I was calmly waiting for the pain and bleeding to subside, I reflected on the fact that nails and wood are dumb and that I could not possibly be responsible for the pain I was feeling. I am sure that my technique was impeccable, and my aim was true. Clearly the nails were poorly designed.

Secret Code!!!

2008-04-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

blah blah blaIh blah hblah balah bltah blaeh blah Cblah belah bllah blaih blahne blah Dblah bilah bloah blanh.

To Battle the Forces of Evil...

2008-04-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

As you can see from the previous post, I must deal with strong forces of evil and ... distraction on a daily basis. To thwart such enemies one must be constantly vigilant and possess a unique skill set (taking one's medication also helps.) I have many skills(z), most of which would probably NOT be useful in the fight against evil. Here are just a few:

1. Matching the correct tupperware size to a given volume of leftovers to within 1/4 cup.
2. Making the occasional pun without meaning to.
3. "Skiing" down dirt slopes with just my feet as if I were actually skiing.
4. Opening the microwave on "0" before/without the signal going off.
5. Jumping at just the right time in an elevator to give a momentary sensation of weightlessness.
6. Playing "The Persian Princess" on the piano with my nose (requires a partner.)
7. Speaking Egg-Latin. (Eggalseggo egga deggead leggangueggage)

Forces of Evil, BEWARE! or at least stop laughing at me.

Super Villainy

2008-04-20T19:03:00.000-07:00

In order to overcome my inner demons, or inner villains as it were, I am embarking on an ambitious project to characterize human frailties (particularly my own, though you might also be afflicted) in the form of super villains....it'll make sense, trust me. So without further ado, the first villain in the compendium is: UNTHOUGHT.

This villain's main objective is to erase any and all thoughts from the mind thus reducing the victim's brain to goo. As you can see, HE HAS NO FACE. Also, the body below the head consists only of smoky tentacle-like limbs with which he scuttles around. His translucense allows him to enter your field of vision without making his presence known. Then, just when you start having an important thought, like, "I should register the car" or "I think my wife is talking to me" he jumps in front of you and does his smoky hypnotic unthought dance, thus preventing the thought and replacing it with a desire to stare at a wall or watch SportsCenter.

Miscellaneous statistics:

Allies: The Nothing from The Neverending Story; the skeksi from The Dark Crystal that sucks out the podlings' essence.

Creep Factor: Did I mention HE HAS NO FACE!?

Tip to ward off: Start singing Feliz Navidad.

To Blog or Not to Blog

2008-04-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

I really want to give this blogging thing a fair shake, but so far it's been rough going. This may appear to be my first entry, and it is...on this blog. See, I have another blog which I'm now going to abandon. It was supposed to be lowexpectations.blogspot.com . But, as you can see if you follow the preceding link, I'm no where to be found on this page. That's because I accidentally set my URL as lowexpecations.blogspot.com . See the difference? How's that for a self-fulfilling prophesy? You can expect more of the same fare on this ever-so-slightly improved blog (see? no misspellings in the URL!).